Transcript of MGTOW - Needs vs Strategies and Giving Yourself Empathy

Greetings.  My name is Ronwise Gamgee and this is the third episode of my MGTOW channel, RonwiseMGTOW.  In this episode, I want to talk about the distinction between needs and strategies as well as methods for providing yourself with empathy.

As I’ve spoken about before, feelings are signals that point to whether or not your needs are being met.  In the first episode, I also mentioned that I would make a distinction between needs and strategies in later videos.  Our needs are that which are necessary for the enrichment of our lives: without meeting them, our quality of life would suffer, up to the point of us dying if neglected for long enough periods of time, whether directly or manifested in seemingly unrelated ways.  Strategies are methods that we employ to get those needs met, whether or not the strategies actually do get said needs met.  Please refer to the link in the description bar and review the post titled “Some Basic Needs That We All Have”:

http://ronwisemgtow.blogspot.com/

One way to tell the difference between an expressed need and an expressed strategy is whether or not someone or something else is required.  Saying the following: “When I walk alone in a dark neighborhood at night, I’m scared and I need men to not cross my path so that I can feel safe” is a strategy or preference, whereas saying, “When I walk alone in a dark neighborhood at night, I’m scared and I need safety and reassurance that I won’t have harm inflicted upon me” is expressing a need.  The unmet needs, signaled by this person’s fear, are for safety and reassurance, but the strategy or preference expressed is for men to not walk in their path.  Other possible strategies for meeting those needs of safety and reassurance include

·        travelling with a group of people,

·        avoiding locations that stimulate fear when walking alone at night,

·        and prepare accordingly for potential danger, such as by carrying a concealed firearm, self-defense training, etc. 

As mentioned before, the root cause of this person’s fear is their thought process, not the external forces stimulating these thoughts.

Recognizing the difference between a need and a strategy or preference is important to remember whenever we become frustrated about not being able to get our needs met.  Often times, the case may be that we are unable to get our needs met via a particular preference but confuse that with not being able to get the need met at all.

In the first video, I mentioned that one way to provide yourself empathy is to write down or record your jackal talk, step back give yourself a couple of minutes to recoup, and review what was written down or recorded as if you were listening or reading what was written down by your loving son: in a compassionate manner.  Another way to give yourself much-needed empathy is to give yourself gratitude for the things you do to enrich your own life.  Now, this next part is very important: there is a particular way to show gratitude using Non-Violent Communication, one that is distinct from the life-alienating way of showing gratitude, which usually takes on the forms of compliments or rewards.  Here it goes:

1    1)     Describe your observation separate from your evaluation (just the facts) that you did to enrich your life.

2    2)     Identify and express your feelings.

3    3)     Identify the met core needs/values underneath the emotions you’re expressing.

Sound familiar?  Now, while the simple phrase of “thank you” can express all three of these steps, practice giving yourself gratitude using NVC, as you actually learn what it is you’re thankful for.  Make a habit of doing this daily, if you can.

Just as important as it is to give yourself gratitude using NVC is to learn to receive gratitude from yourself using NVC, especially when you think you’re being disingenuous about it.  The process is the same: describe observations separate from evaluations, identify and express your feelings, identify the met or unmet core needs/values underneath the emotions you’re expressing, and request that which would meet your needs. 

If you find yourself replying to given gratitude with “oh, it was nothing” or “I just did the right thing” or “anyone else in my shoes would’ve done the same”, you’re using jackal talk on yourself (with either actual or false humility) and you’re trying to absolve yourself of responsibility of your actions.  Connect with yourself by going through this process so that you can get the empathy that you need so that your life can be enriched.  The more our need for empathy has been met, the more able we are to be in the present moment, when things are actually happening, as opposed to being stuck in our heads, where we interact with a false representation of reality and of ourselves.

That’s all I have for now.  Please feel free to leave comments in the comments section.  Remember: we’re all just trying to get our needs met.  Till next time.

Some Basic Needs We All Have

Some Basic Needs We All Have

·        Autonomy: Choosing dreams/goals/values; choosing plans for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values

·        Celebration: Celebrating the creation of life and dreams fulfilled; celebrating losses (mourning)

·        Integrity: Authenticity; creativity, meaning, self-worth

·        Physical Nurturance: Air; food; movement/exercise; protection from life-threatening forms of life (viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals); rest; sexual expression; shelter; touch; water

·        Play: Fun; laughter

·        Spiritual Communion: Beauty; harmony; inspiration; order; peace

·        Interdependence: Acceptance; appreciation; closeness; community; consideration; contribution to the enrichment of life; emotional safety; empathy; honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations); love; reassurance; respect; support; trust; understanding

Transcript of MGTOW - Elaborating on Feelings

Greetings.  My name is Ronwise Gamgee and this is the second episode of my MGTOW channel, RonwiseMGTOW.  In this episode, I’m going to expand on the topic of feelings in regards to Nonviolent Communication, a tool I talked about in my last episode.

Feelings are expressions of our needs either getting met or not getting met.  We often misuse the phrase “I feel” when we are actually expressing thoughts (where “I think” is a more accurate phrase).  This is particularly prevalent with people who think of themselves as intuitive or that they often rely on their gut-instinct.  The basic confusion occurs when a person starts off with saying “I feel…” but doesn’t actually express a feeling.  In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word “feel” is followed by words such as that, like, as if, or the pronouns I, you, he, she, they it, or names or nouns referring to people.  Conversely, in the English language, it isn’t necessary to use the word “feel” at all when we are actually expressing a feeling: we can say, “I’m feeling irritated,” or simply, “I’m irritated.”  The importance of accurately using the phrase “I think” when we’re actually expressing thoughts as opposed to “I feel” is that it helps to narrow down actual feelings so that we can more quickly get to the core needs behind our feelings.

Another obstacle for identifying feelings is when we fail to distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe either what we think we are or how we interpret the behaviors and actions of others. 

Here’s an example of what we think we are: “I feel inadequate as a guitar player.”  In this statement, I am assessing my ability as a guitar player, rather than clearly expressing my feelings.  Expressions of actual feelings may include: “I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player,” “I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player,” or “I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player.”  The actual feeling behind my assessment of myself as “inadequate” could therefore be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion.

Here’s an example of how we interpret the behaviors and actions of others: “I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work with.”  The word unimportant describes how I think others are evaluating me, rather than an actual feeling, which in this situation might be “I feel sad” or “I feel discouraged.”  The statement, “I feel ignored,” is more of an interpretation of the actions of others than a clear statement of how we are feeling.  No doubt there have been times we thought we were being ignored and our feeling was relief, because we wanted to be left to ourselves.  No doubt there were other times, however, when we felt hurt when we thought we were being ignored, because we had wanted to be involved.  Other words that we often confuse as feelings that are actually interpretations of others’ behaviors and actions include abandoned, abused, betrayed, bullied, cheated, cornered, distrusted, intimidated, manipulated, neglected, provoked, rejected, taken for granted, unappreciated, and used.  Basically, if you can turn the word you feel into an action attributed with an assessment, then that’s an interpretation of another’s behavior or action and not a feeling.

In the description area, I have a link to a sample list of how we are likely to feel when our needs either are or are not being met.  Feel free to refer to it both to hone in on what you may be feeling and to diversify your feelings vocabulary.  I personally carry a print-out of this list along with a Spanish translation of these words so that I can better express my feelings in both English and Spanish.

http://ronwisemgtow.blogspot.com/

Last but not least, I’d like to talk about taking responsibility for our feelings.  The long and short of it is this: what others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.  The cause of our feelings lies in our thought process.  The lack of understanding between the stimulus and cause of our feelings is what leads us to blame ourselves or to blame others when others say or do things that stimulate feelings within ourselves, thus alienating that which enriches life.  Understanding the difference between stimulus and cause allows us two more options to utilize: to sense our own feelings and needs or to sense others’ feelings and needs. 

An example of expressing how you sense your own feelings and needs can be, “When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.”  The observation was expressed without the evaluation (“When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met…”), the feelings were identified (“…I feel hurt…”), and the core need behind the feeling was expressed (“…because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.”) In sensing our own feelings and needs (as opposed to finding fault within ourselves) when we hear a negative message, we can connect with ourselves rather than alienate from ourselves via judgments, criticisms, evaluations, etc.

An example of expressing how you sense others’ feelings and needs as they are currently expressed can be, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”  Keep in mind to ask about what you suspect the other person’s feelings and needs are as opposed to declaring what they are.  Also, when asking, it’s okay to not properly intuit what they may be feeling or needing.  Just try again and if you still cannot accurately discern what it is that their feeling, simply express your observations, your feeling of confusion, your need for clarity or understanding, and request them to tell you what it is that they’re feeling and what needs haven’t been met.

In sensing the feelings and needs within ourselves and others as opposed to assigning blame, we own our feelings because we recognize that they are expressions of met or unmet needs.

Along with taking responsibility for our feelings comes in accurately expressing your accountability to our feelings.  There are a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings such as the use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that, the use of the expression “I feel X emotion because…” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I, or statements that mention only the actions of others.  In each of these cases, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel because I…”  For example, “I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”

Last but not least, here are two things we are not responsible for, in regards to the feelings of others: the pain of others and fixing their pain or making them feel better.  Instead, be present and just stand there to give empathy.  Though this is a corollary of what was said previously, I think it’s still an important distinction to make a note of.

That’s all I have for now.  If you have any suggestions about any specific aspects of Nonviolent Communication you’d like for me to expand upon in upcoming videos, please feel free to either leave them in the comments section or e-mail me at ronwisemgtow@gmail.com.  Remember: we’re all just trying to get our needs met.  Till next time.

Transcript of MGTOW - Intro to Nonviolent Communication

Greetings.  My name is Ronwise Gamgee and this is the first episode of my MGTOW channel, RonwiseMGTOW.  I’ve been an avid consumer of MGTOW content for at least two years and am aware of many of the major players and I’ve always had a hankering to contribute to the MGTOW phenomenon somehow, but in a venue that I haven’t seen others do.  I’ve been looking for a way to contribute to MGTOW content in my own unique way, as opposed to parroting other MGTOW content producers.

My focus is going to be on one of the most vital tenets of MGTOW: non-violence.  Specifically, I’m going to delve into what I’ve discovered to be an incredibly powerful tool created by the late Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg called Nonviolent Communication and how to tailor it towards MGTOW, specifically, and towards men more generally.

We’ve all heard the adage: “be the change you want to see.”  Essentially, if you want to affect change in the world, you have to start with yourself.  That being said, the first place where I’d like to show MGTOW to apply Nonviolent Communication is within themselves and then work outwards from there.

Nonviolent Communication is a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart and enriches life.  The kind of communication that we’ve learned in our competitive, dominance-hierarchal based culture alienates us from life and comes in the following forms: moralistic judgments, evaluations, criticisms, diagnoses, analyses, comparisons, labeling, demands, defending, withdrawing, attacking, denials of responsibility, “shoulding”, and the concept of deservedness.  Essentially, any communication that blocks compassion is life-alienating.  While we may not consider the way we talk to be “violent,” words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves.

I equate the enrichment of life to the fulfillment of getting needs met.  Conversely, I equate the alienation of life to the deprivation of getting needs met.  Emotions are our expressions of met or unmet needs.  One such example of a MGTOW expressing unmet needs is Red Pill Rage: he may be angry because his need for equal treatment as a human being or his need for justice is not being met.  “Women are evil!  I’m not getting involved in relationships with women because they’ll fuck me over one way or another, like how my friend got fucked over when his baby’s mom divorced him, leaving him with half of his assets, no house, and child support to boot!” a MGTOW under Red Pill Rage may say to himself.  This is an example of a tragic expression of unmet needs or, as Spetsnaz puts it: “he’s swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.”

In his seminars, Dr. Rosenberg called this kind of life-alienating talk “jackal talk” and he would wear a jackal sock puppet whenever he’d have an attendee do exercises in Nonviolent Communication with him.  We’re all masters of jackal talk, and the person we’ve subjected jackal talk to the most and the harshest is ourselves.  Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we’re always communicating our feelings and needs; jackal talk is simply a tragic way of doing so and I’d like to teach MGTOW how to communicate like a giraffe, the mammal with the biggest heart in the animal kingdom (or so I’ve heard) and, yes, he had a giraffe sock puppet as well when he would communicate using NVC.

So here’s the method:

1)     Describe your observation separate from your evaluation (just the facts).

2)     Identify and express your feelings.

3)     Identify the met/unmet core needs/values underneath the emotions you’re expressing.

4)     Request that which would enrich your life (meeting your needs).

The method above applies both to when you are clearly express how you are without blaming or criticizing and when you are empathically receiving how you are without hearing blame or criticism.  As we’re focusing on ourselves first, you’re essentially communicating with yourself throughout this process.

Let’s go back to our Red Pill Rage MGTOW (we’ll call him Rob).  Rob’s been learning about MGTOW and is currently in his Red Pill Rage phase and tells himself (in jackal), “Women are evil!  I’m not getting involved in relationships with women because they’ll fuck me over one way or another, like how my friend got fucked over when his baby’s mom divorced him, leaving him with half of his assets, no house, and child support to boot!”  This is what we hear with jackal ears.

With giraffe ears, what we’re paying attention to is the expression of feelings and needs.  Rob seems to be expressing anger.  I say “seems to be” as opposed to “is expressing anger” because I’m describing what I’m observing: a possible expression of anger, whereas a flat-out declaration of Rob’s anger is a diagnosis, a form of life-alienating communication that blocks our ability to empathize with Rob.  The way we form our language plays a huge part in NVC, but that will be a topic for another video.  As for Rob’s needs, some possibilities may include safety, fairness, empathy, equality, justice, and compassion for his friend.

Lots of MGTOW like Rob stay in the Red Pill Rage phase for a long time (far too long, in my opinion).  Here are the things that will not get Rob’s needs met (along with the previously mentioned life-alienating forms of communication):  unrequested advice, unrequested reassurance, one-upping, educating, intellectual understanding, consoling, story-telling, shutting down, sympathizing, interrogating, explaining, correcting, and listening to thoughts as opposed to feelings and needs.  Here is what Rob needs: empathy.  Empathy requires emptying our mind and listening with our whole being in the present moment.  In other words, don’t just do something, stand there.

Since Rob is using NVC with himself, it may help Rob to either write or record what he tells himself so that he can then step back and empathize with himself.  If he engages in jackal talk, he’ll block his ability to empathize with himself.  Once he is free of jackal talk via the process of empathy, Rob will be in a state of nonviolence – a natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart.  Rob can then, in his empathic state, translate his thoughts into NVC:

“When I think about how my friend lost half of his assets and his house due to his divorce as well as being court-ordered to pay child support at the threat of jail time, I get angry because I value autonomy and freedom and I value the well-being of my friend.”

So far, Rob has described his observation (his thoughts), identified and expressed his feelings (anger), and identified the core needs/values underneath the emotions he’s expressing that have not been met (autonomy, freedom, the well-being of his friend).  Now that Rob has identified what his unmet needs are, he can request of himself to get his needs met.  Remember that it’s a request and not a demand (which alienates life), as we tend to resist demands made of us or resent demands we submit to, including self-imposed demands.

The way in which Rob goes about to get his needs met are called strategies.  Rob has identified autonomy, freedom, and the well-being of his friend as unmet needs.  Strategies that he can use to meet those needs may include calling his friend and talking to him for 15 minutes, treating his friend to a movie, going out for a walk, grabbing some beers and chugging a bottle or two with his friend, or providing his friend some empathy.  Keep in mind not to confuse the need with the strategy.  Also, keep in mind that, when forming a strategy, phrase it in positive, action language.  I’ll go into more detail towards the subject of needs in later videos.

Once Rob’s needs are met, the anger he felt from that unmet need due to the thoughts he had about his friend’s predicament may subside.  He may still be angry from other thoughts, such as “Women are evil!”, but using the same process he used to meet his needs for autonomy, freedom, and the well-being of his friend from thoughts of his friend’s predicament, Robert can hone in on identifying and expressing his feelings on the “women are evil” thought, identify the unmet core needs/values behind those feelings, and request of himself strategies to meet those needs. 

An important note: please utilize nonviolent strategies to get your needs met.

That’s all I have for now.  Please feel free to leave comments in the comments section.  Remember: we’re all just trying to get our needs met.  Till next time.