Transcript of MGTOW - Elaborating on Feelings

Greetings.  My name is Ronwise Gamgee and this is the second episode of my MGTOW channel, RonwiseMGTOW.  In this episode, I’m going to expand on the topic of feelings in regards to Nonviolent Communication, a tool I talked about in my last episode.

Feelings are expressions of our needs either getting met or not getting met.  We often misuse the phrase “I feel” when we are actually expressing thoughts (where “I think” is a more accurate phrase).  This is particularly prevalent with people who think of themselves as intuitive or that they often rely on their gut-instinct.  The basic confusion occurs when a person starts off with saying “I feel…” but doesn’t actually express a feeling.  In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word “feel” is followed by words such as that, like, as if, or the pronouns I, you, he, she, they it, or names or nouns referring to people.  Conversely, in the English language, it isn’t necessary to use the word “feel” at all when we are actually expressing a feeling: we can say, “I’m feeling irritated,” or simply, “I’m irritated.”  The importance of accurately using the phrase “I think” when we’re actually expressing thoughts as opposed to “I feel” is that it helps to narrow down actual feelings so that we can more quickly get to the core needs behind our feelings.

Another obstacle for identifying feelings is when we fail to distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe either what we think we are or how we interpret the behaviors and actions of others. 

Here’s an example of what we think we are: “I feel inadequate as a guitar player.”  In this statement, I am assessing my ability as a guitar player, rather than clearly expressing my feelings.  Expressions of actual feelings may include: “I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player,” “I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player,” or “I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player.”  The actual feeling behind my assessment of myself as “inadequate” could therefore be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion.

Here’s an example of how we interpret the behaviors and actions of others: “I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work with.”  The word unimportant describes how I think others are evaluating me, rather than an actual feeling, which in this situation might be “I feel sad” or “I feel discouraged.”  The statement, “I feel ignored,” is more of an interpretation of the actions of others than a clear statement of how we are feeling.  No doubt there have been times we thought we were being ignored and our feeling was relief, because we wanted to be left to ourselves.  No doubt there were other times, however, when we felt hurt when we thought we were being ignored, because we had wanted to be involved.  Other words that we often confuse as feelings that are actually interpretations of others’ behaviors and actions include abandoned, abused, betrayed, bullied, cheated, cornered, distrusted, intimidated, manipulated, neglected, provoked, rejected, taken for granted, unappreciated, and used.  Basically, if you can turn the word you feel into an action attributed with an assessment, then that’s an interpretation of another’s behavior or action and not a feeling.

In the description area, I have a link to a sample list of how we are likely to feel when our needs either are or are not being met.  Feel free to refer to it both to hone in on what you may be feeling and to diversify your feelings vocabulary.  I personally carry a print-out of this list along with a Spanish translation of these words so that I can better express my feelings in both English and Spanish.

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Last but not least, I’d like to talk about taking responsibility for our feelings.  The long and short of it is this: what others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.  The cause of our feelings lies in our thought process.  The lack of understanding between the stimulus and cause of our feelings is what leads us to blame ourselves or to blame others when others say or do things that stimulate feelings within ourselves, thus alienating that which enriches life.  Understanding the difference between stimulus and cause allows us two more options to utilize: to sense our own feelings and needs or to sense others’ feelings and needs. 

An example of expressing how you sense your own feelings and needs can be, “When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.”  The observation was expressed without the evaluation (“When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met…”), the feelings were identified (“…I feel hurt…”), and the core need behind the feeling was expressed (“…because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.”) In sensing our own feelings and needs (as opposed to finding fault within ourselves) when we hear a negative message, we can connect with ourselves rather than alienate from ourselves via judgments, criticisms, evaluations, etc.

An example of expressing how you sense others’ feelings and needs as they are currently expressed can be, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”  Keep in mind to ask about what you suspect the other person’s feelings and needs are as opposed to declaring what they are.  Also, when asking, it’s okay to not properly intuit what they may be feeling or needing.  Just try again and if you still cannot accurately discern what it is that their feeling, simply express your observations, your feeling of confusion, your need for clarity or understanding, and request them to tell you what it is that they’re feeling and what needs haven’t been met.

In sensing the feelings and needs within ourselves and others as opposed to assigning blame, we own our feelings because we recognize that they are expressions of met or unmet needs.

Along with taking responsibility for our feelings comes in accurately expressing your accountability to our feelings.  There are a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings such as the use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that, the use of the expression “I feel X emotion because…” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I, or statements that mention only the actions of others.  In each of these cases, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel because I…”  For example, “I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”

Last but not least, here are two things we are not responsible for, in regards to the feelings of others: the pain of others and fixing their pain or making them feel better.  Instead, be present and just stand there to give empathy.  Though this is a corollary of what was said previously, I think it’s still an important distinction to make a note of.

That’s all I have for now.  If you have any suggestions about any specific aspects of Nonviolent Communication you’d like for me to expand upon in upcoming videos, please feel free to either leave them in the comments section or e-mail me at ronwisemgtow@gmail.com.  Remember: we’re all just trying to get our needs met.  Till next time.